Divorce---Relapse

I know we are all responsible for our own actions...but this...is what my life feels like.

This...is what caused me to relapse into this vicious disease that is determined to ruin my life. 

Divorce.

Separation.

Whatever the hell they want to call it. I don't care...

I am so tired of feeling like the rope in their little game of tug-of-war. It's getting old really fast.

Before I came home for the holidays, i'm very ashamed to admit, I managed to lose almost all of the weight I worked so hard to put on in treatment from all of the stress my parents are putting me through. I'm back down to a number I was once satisfied with, but now I look in the mirror and I see a huge, fat, disgusting person who needs to lose ten more pounds. Maybe twenty. 

I left treatment so hopeful and sure that I could do this. That I had it in me to recover from this deadly disease that keeps trying to claim my life. I haven't had a meal that I haven't purged since Tuesday night, and it's Friday. I'm starving. I know I need to eat something, and that's probably why I'm up at 5am posting this. Because my body wants and NEEDS food.

And in my defense, I did at least go into the kitchen with intentions of finding something to eat, but the only thing I left with was hot tea sweetened with fake sugar and a little honey.

Nutritious, huh?

I'm exhausted...caffeine is far from helpful anymore. I can down three Monsters and not feel a thing.

Today I could barely pick my feet up off the ground when grocery shopping.

And when I couldn't get away with eating only half of my sandwich I immediately dismissed myself to "take a  bath" since I had "slaved away cooking dinner and had gotten hot, sweaty, and greasy," so I could purge.

This cycle is killing me. I wish I could just stop. I wish it were that easy.

I wish I could go out with my friends and not worry about the menu and automatically go to the low cal selections every. single. time. 

I just don't know if that's in my future anymore. At one point I thought I might get there one day.

But I honestly don't think I will ever be able to eat anything "fattening" again without thinking about it

 going straight to my thighs.    

That's where I'm at tonight...or...this morning.