I think that's just my personality. "Extreme." That is, in essence, the best possible way to sum up my ridiculous personality that I, at 19 years old, still don't understand. I'm always at one extreme or the other, finding it impossible to land somewhere in the middle where things would be safe, normal, healthy, and stable. I find that this is true not only with my eating disorder, but with every part of me. I'm never just sad, usually I'm miserable. I'm never just happy. No. If I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. I don't think I've ever experienced slight frustrations. Usually, I experience anger and resentment. And lately, I don't keep just a slight watchful eye on the things I eat, occasionally indulging in my guilty pleasure of choice. Absolutely impossible...It's go big or go home with me. I gotta be the Food Nazi, tracking every single morsel, begrudgingly ignoring anything remotely unhealthy. Or....I eat everything within my grasp.
It's anorexic behaviors, or its bulimic ones.
One extreme.
Or the other.
And lately, its been bulimic behaviors just about every single night.
I've heard it was common for someone in recovery from anorexia to binge eat occasionally while their body gets used to having food and whatever.
But really, I gotta ask. How do you go from hating food, to not being able to stop eating it? (another example of my "extreme-behavior").
And of course, I'm going to purge. I mean, come on. I may be recovering from anorexia, but I'm not recovered. There's no way any person on this planet could pay me any amount of money to eat like I've been eating and actually keep it down. That's an insane thought!
Extreme?...yeah, I know.
So as I sit here, writing this blog, I wonder to myself how I could have possibly let myself binge and purge yet again. I mean, today I ate pretty normally at meal time. But yet, after dinner my extreme ravenous "hunger" kicked in, and I wanted everything.
Or maybe I didn't...
Maybe it was just something to do.
(hmmm...I even have extreme hobbies!)
Well, whatever the case may be, as of tonight I am officially discouraged. Extremely.
